i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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