im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
