I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Randomize
