I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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