my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
