sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
