Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
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