I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
