That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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