I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
