last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
