I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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