Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
Randomize
