Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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