Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize
