I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Randomize