So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Randomize
