Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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