I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
