I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
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