If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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