i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Randomize
