First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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