she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
