dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
i dont even know how to be here
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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