Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
