there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
I cockslap morals
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
