my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
