new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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