I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Randomize
