dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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