She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
