Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
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