so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
