She is in my trunk
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
The Olympian is in my bed
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
