So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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