Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
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