I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize
