drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Randomize
