wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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