I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
