Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
