omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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