Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
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