Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Randomize
