Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
OPIZZABONMYDICK
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Randomize
