The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Randomize
