Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Randomize
