dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
