someone owes me an orgasm
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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