someone threw a dead crab at me
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
