I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
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